Monday, 6 September 2010

Oh Do Fuck Off

Valhallahan
I was reading the review of Jonah Hex in a newspaper this morning (they didn’t like it) and they mentioned a part of movie’s plot that really got my goat. It got it good! It seems that Jonah Hex has fallen for two of the old "Comic Book Movie" fuck ups. Firstly, the movie's writers, in their infinite wisdom, have seen fit to give their Jonah Hex supernatural powers. Yup, you read it right, they have given hard boilled western (human) bastard Jonah Hex the power to raise the dead. You see what they’ve done here is to change the character to be more "Comic Book"-y. By this I mean Superhero-y, because every geek worth his salt knows that there is only one genre in the entire sequential art medium and that’s superheroes, right? Fuck off. Why the hooting heck did they not just make a western? Why? I mean I’m pretty sure they have made western movies before, but then again I’m fairly certain cinema only does Rom Coms. I guess the comic book wasn’t "Comic Book" enough for the movies.

The second bugbear, and bear bugs it does, is that they’ve made the movie’s villain the man responsible for branding Jonah’s face. Why? Because everything has to be explained and in the moving pictures (and Daniel Way's Wolverine: Origins) every single thing that happens in a character’s life has to include the four or five main characters every step o’ the way. Nothing is random, which is fine, becuase like Clark Kent in Smallville, I too have never met a new person after the age of seventeen, in fact I’m nigh-certain I’ll never meet anyone I haven’t met already till the day I die. In fact it’ll probably turn out that St Peter was that strangely wise toilet attendant at Indie-Pounder’s I gave a quid to on my 18th birthday. Fuck off.

Hollywood just can’t seem to help themselves but eradicate any aspect of real world randomness in these stories. In Tim Burton’s Batman, The Joker Kills Mr & Mrs Wayne; In the first two Punisher movies (don’t get me started on this one) Frank Castle's family are killed on purpose by the main villain because he is a copper thus totally missing the point that it was the RANDOMNESS of the act that birthed Frank’s war on All Crime Ever; In Spider-Man 3, The Sandman is revealed to have killed Uncle Ben, thus breaking Spider-Man’s entire raison d’etre, he couldn’t have stopped the murder, so I guess he’s off the hook. I bet he feels silly now.

How fucking cute, I see what you did there, it’s like so poignant and stuff.

Did I mention fuck off?

3 comments:

Sane said...

This is wholly correct. me likey. Also, i want money if this blog ever makes money. Or you're dead. Did I mention this blog kicks gluteus maximus? Dil.

Valhallahan said...

Did you get to see it? It had already gone from the cinema when I went so I saw Inception instead. I think the universe was telling me something.

Valhallahan said...

And Thank you!